My results day was very reflective of who I am, a mess.
I went into school early, having not spoken, or slept for the twenty four hours before. Head down, I avoided everyone, picked up my envelope and headed for the disabled toilet (where just a couple of months before I’d done shots of jäger with a friend on our last day) for some privacy. Despite not getting the grades I needed for my first and only choice of UNI, I was relieved at how good my grades were, as I had feared that they would be so much worse. That initial relief was then replaced by hysterical laughter/ tears, because I then couldn’t remember my UCAS password to check whether my offer had been revoked.
After a quick hijack of the head of Sixth Forms computer, I managed to reset my password and see that my place to study at Kings was confirmed. I’d got in.
It was a few days later when checking my emails that I was to discover that Kings had updated my offer to unconditional the week before, making my results day panic rather misplaced. If you needed an incentive to check your emails more regularly, this is it.
I was over the moon, or so I said, because in reality, the tension that had been sitting within me for the past few months was still there. My success had only managed to alleviate it slightly. At dinner to celebrate with my parents, I left the table to sob in the loos, unable to cope with the stress and anxiety I still felt, despite getting the outcome I desired. I had been so desperate for a release from the pressure I felt, the failure of my success to provide that for me threw me onto a new path of desperation. Why did I feel so awful, when I had got what I wanted?
It stirred up feelings of guilt, undeserving, worthlessness and general displacement from my peers. I couldn’t seem to find the joy in my success, that others found in theirs.
I realise now that I was battling other demons and circumstances that clouded my reaction, a reaction which wouldn’t scare me so much now. I wish I knew then that there is no right way to react, particularly to something as high pressure as results. I wish I knew that it was ok to have these different emotions, and that I would eventually settle down and relax. I wish I knew that I wasn’t expected to react a certain way and people would listen when I tried to explain the confusion in my mind.
If you have not achieved the desired result you wanted today, take some time to heal, but also look at it as an opportunity to explore other options. Make the most of your support team, you don’t have to do this by yourself. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. You have the strength and ability to find something that will work for you, you just have to trust yourself.
Whatever your outcome, whatever your feelings about the scenario, they are valid and you will process them with time. Talk to your friends, honestly, about how you are feeling. Knowing you’re not alone makes everyone feel a little more normal, and makes taking on the world a little less daunting.
Congratulations for your achievements, I’m sorry for the missed chances and I’m jealous of you that are going out tonight for deserved celebrations. I can promise you one thing, it gets better from here on and you will look back at today and laugh.
Well done, be proud of yourself because you are a star